My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
