I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
