In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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