Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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