He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
