i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Never underestimate the power of titties
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
