dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
