There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Randomize
