Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
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