Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Randomize
