I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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