You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
