The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
