im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
