she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
if only i could text you this smell
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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