Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
