So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Randomize
