I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
