Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
