Can i not drive my cunt home
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Randomize
