If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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