i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
