just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
