I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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