First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
