If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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