just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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