Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
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