i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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