i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
