Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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