i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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