Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
