Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
