ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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