My underwear smells like fireworks.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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