Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Randomize
