and you said cock pushups were impossible
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
