just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
