Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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