I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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