Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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