1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
