Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Randomize
