Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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