I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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