the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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