Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
