I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
