I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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