Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
