Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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