I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
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Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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