It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
