so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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