you didnt know i had herpes?
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
