Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
