My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
