he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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