mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
