The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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