matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
