Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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