Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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